Unbroken: Chapter 8
Life is a mix of joy and sorrow, and the balance often tips more towards the latter than we would prefer. However, as paradoxical as it may seem, it is the trials and tribulations, the pain and suffering, that often lead us to growth and wisdom. To quote the renowned philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” In this chapter, we delve into understanding the crucibles of pain and suffering and uncover the transformative power they possess.
Understanding the Purpose of Pain and Suffering
The process of coming to terms with pain and suffering can be difficult, yet it’s also where our deepest growth often originates. It’s a universal experience—regardless of who you are, where you come from, or how well you’ve planned your life, pain and suffering will inevitably be part of your journey.
Various philosophical and religious traditions have for centuries recognized the transformative power of suffering. For instance, Stoicism teaches that suffering is an integral part of life and that we should strive to maintain equanimity in the face of hardship. Buddhism, too, starts with the Four Noble Truths, the first of which is the truth of suffering (Dukkha). This does not mean we must resign ourselves to a life of pain but instead acknowledges that suffering is part of the human condition and understanding it is the first step towards overcoming it.
But it is not only ancient philosophies that acknowledge this truth. Modern psychology also recognizes the potential growth inherent in adversity. Psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun coined the term “post-traumatic growth” to describe the significant positive change that can come from struggle and hardship. They found that people often report increased inner strength, improved relationships, a heightened appreciation for life, a stronger sense of spirituality, and a deeper sense of life purpose after going through highly challenging life circumstances.
Dr. Tedeschi noted that “in the process of struggling with major life crises, individuals can change (their lives) in ways that reflect…a kind of thriving.” This isn’t to say that suffering is “good” or “necessary,” but rather that the human spirit has the capacity to use hardship as a pathway to growth and deeper understanding.
This is the essence of resilience. Pain and suffering have the potential to become powerful teachers, opening us up to profound personal growth and transformation. However, the path to growth isn’t automatic—it requires conscious effort, understanding, and the application of effective coping strategies. This is where science-backed methods become crucial, helping us to navigate our hardships effectively and possibly emerge stronger on the other side.
Understanding the purpose of pain and suffering involves recognizing their potential for fostering growth, developing empathy for ourselves and others, and learning to navigate our adversities with grace and resilience. By doing so, we can transform our darkest moments into opportunities for self-discovery and personal growth.
Strategies to Cope with and Grow from Suffering
Suffering, while an inevitable part of life, doesn’t have to cripple us. With the right strategies, it can serve as a springboard for growth and transformation. Here are a few strategies grounded in research that can assist us in this process.
Embrace Mindfulness and Acceptance
One of the most powerful ways to deal with suffering is to cultivate mindfulness and acceptance. These two concepts, deeply rooted in Buddhist philosophy and increasingly validated by modern psychology, teach us not to resist or fight against painful experiences, but instead, to acknowledge and accept them.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, has done pioneering work in this field. He describes mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”
Practicing mindfulness means fully attending to what’s happening, to what you’re doing, to the space you’re moving through. It involves bringing an open and accepting attitude towards your present experience, including your pain and suffering.
Research in neuroscience has shown that mindfulness can change the structure and function of the brain, leading to increased emotional regulation and decreased reactivity to stress and pain.
So, how do we cultivate mindfulness? One of the most common methods is through mindfulness meditation. This involves setting aside a specific time each day to quietly focus on your present experience, including your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, without trying to change or judge them.
But mindfulness isn’t limited to formal meditation. It can also be practiced throughout the day by fully engaging in whatever you’re doing, whether it’s washing dishes, walking the dog, or having a conversation. The goal is to be fully present and attentive, instead of letting your mind wander to the past or future.
The practice of acceptance goes hand in hand with mindfulness. Acceptance, in this context, doesn’t mean resignation or passive submission. Instead, it’s about acknowledging reality as it is right now, without trying to change or resist it. This acceptance can reduce the additional suffering often created by our resistance to pain.
Dr. Steven Hayes, the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, uses the metaphor of “dropping the struggle” to describe this aspect of acceptance. Instead of wasting our energy fighting or avoiding pain, we learn to let go and make room for the pain, which paradoxically can lead to a reduction in suffering.
It’s important to note that acceptance is not about tolerating harmful situations or letting others mistreat us. It’s about accepting our internal experience – our feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations – instead of fighting against them.
By embracing mindfulness and acceptance, we can develop a more resilient response to suffering, turning our painful experiences into opportunities for growth and learning.
Cultivate Self-Compassion
Another potent strategy to cope with suffering is to cultivate self-compassion. Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and grace, especially when going through difficult times. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in this field, defines self-compassion as being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.
Scientific research increasingly supports the benefits of self-compassion. Studies have found that it helps increase psychological well-being, reduce anxiety and depression, and strengthen resilience to stress. It’s also been associated with better emotional coping skills, healthier lifestyle behaviors, and improved interpersonal relationships.
Practicing self-compassion often involves challenging our critical inner voice – that nagging voice in our head that tells us we’re not good enough, that we should be doing better, or that we’re to blame for our suffering. Instead of listening to this voice, we learn to treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend who’s suffering – with kindness, understanding, and encouragement.
A practical way to cultivate self-compassion is to practice the “Self-Compassion Break” exercise developed by Dr. Neff. This involves three steps:
- Mindfulness: Recognize that you’re suffering and acknowledge your feelings in a balanced and nonjudgmental way.
- Common Humanity: Remind yourself that suffering is a part of the human experience and that you’re not alone.
- Self-Kindness: Extend kindness and understanding to yourself, instead of judging or criticizing yourself for your suffering.
In addition to such practices, maintaining a self-compassion journal can also be a helpful tool. This involves writing about challenging events or feelings, and responding to yourself in a compassionate way.
Cultivating self-compassion can be a transformative process that not only helps us cope with suffering but also nurtures our capacity for empathy, connection, and emotional resilience. It allows us to meet pain and suffering with warmth and understanding, fostering resilience and a capacity for recovery and growth.
Practice Cognitive Reappraisal
Cognitive reappraisal, a core component of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), is a psychological strategy that involves changing the way we think about and interpret our experiences, especially those that cause us pain and suffering. In essence, it’s about changing our mindset to alter our emotional response to a situation.
Dr. James Gross, a leading researcher in the field of emotion regulation, describes cognitive reappraisal as a “conscious, intentional process that involves changing one’s perspective of an emotional event to alter its meaning and, consequently, its emotional impact.”
Numerous studies have highlighted the benefits of cognitive reappraisal in managing stress and promoting emotional well-being. For example, a 2016 study published in the journal “Cognition and Emotion” found that people who frequently used cognitive reappraisal were less likely to suffer from depressive symptoms. They also exhibited better problem-solving skills and were more likely to seek social support, demonstrating increased resilience in the face of adversity.
Practicing cognitive reappraisal often involves a few key steps:
- Identify the Trigger: Notice when you’re experiencing strong negative emotions and identify the thoughts or situations that are causing these emotions.
- Challenge Your Thoughts: Ask yourself whether your initial thoughts or interpretations of the situation are accurate or helpful. Consider whether there might be alternative ways of viewing the situation.
- Reframe Your Perspective: Try to find a more positive or constructive way of interpreting the situation. This could involve looking for a silver lining, focusing on potential opportunities for learning or growth, or reminding yourself of your ability to cope.
Here’s an example: Suppose you’re feeling frustrated because you’re struggling with a new task at work. Your initial thought might be “I’m terrible at this. I’ll never get the hang of it.” A cognitive reappraisal of this situation might involve reminding yourself that it’s normal to struggle when learning something new and viewing this as an opportunity to learn and improve.
Remember, cognitive reappraisal isn’t about denying or suppressing your feelings. It’s about acknowledging your emotions and finding healthier and more adaptive ways of thinking about your experiences. By regularly practicing cognitive reappraisal, we can learn to manage our emotional responses more effectively, enhancing our ability to cope with and grow from suffering.
Foster Post-Traumatic Growth
Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is a concept developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun. It refers to the positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. While this may sound counterintuitive, the struggle with traumatic events can sometimes serve as powerful catalysts for significant personal development and transformation.
Tedeschi and Calhoun argue that post-traumatic growth doesn’t necessarily mean that the traumatic event itself is good, but rather, good can emerge from the traumatic experience. This can manifest in several ways: a greater appreciation for life, increased personal strength, deeper relationships, a richer sense of spirituality, or a renewed sense of possibilities in life.
Fostering post-traumatic growth involves several steps:
- Understanding Trauma and PTG: Understanding that trauma can lead to growth can provide hope during challenging times. Knowledge about PTG can shift the narrative from “Why is this happening to me?” to “How can I grow from this?”
- Cognitive Processing and Rumination: This involves grappling with the implications of the trauma and working towards a new understanding of the world and oneself. It’s a form of constructive rumination, where the individual repeatedly contemplates the event and its repercussions, leading to insights and resolution.
- Expressive Writing: Writing about traumatic experiences can help in processing the emotions and thoughts associated with the event. It provides a safe space to express feelings, facilitating the process of meaning-making.
- Seeking Support: Social support plays a significant role in fostering PTG. This can be through friends and family or support groups where individuals share similar experiences. Professional help, such as therapy, can also be beneficial.
- Practicing Mindfulness and Acceptance: As we saw earlier, mindfulness can help us stay grounded in the present moment and accept our reality, which is a vital step towards post-traumatic growth.
Consider the case of J.K. Rowling, the renowned author of the Harry Potter series. Before her success, Rowling faced numerous hardships, including the death of her mother, a failed marriage, and living in poverty. However, she credits these painful experiences with giving her the material for her first book and sparking her successful career. As she stated in a 2008 commencement speech at Harvard University, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
In fostering post-traumatic growth, it’s important to note that everyone’s process is unique. There’s no set timeline or pathway for this kind of growth. It’s a deeply personal journey, one that demands patience, self-compassion, and support. However, with time and effort, individuals can transform their painful experiences into catalysts for profound personal growth and resilience.
Engage in Expressive Writing
Expressive writing is a technique that involves writing about thoughts and feelings that arise from traumatic or stressful life events. It was first explored by psychology professor James W. Pennebaker in the 1980s, and since then, numerous studies have demonstrated its benefits in coping with trauma, reducing stress, and promoting mental and physical health.
Expressive writing operates under the idea that holding back or suppressing our thoughts and emotions can be harmful to our health and well-being. When you express what you’re feeling in written form, you are essentially confronting and acknowledging your emotions, which can lead to improved stress management and emotional release.
Here’s how you can engage in expressive writing:
- Find a Quiet Space: You’ll want to find a private, quiet space where you won’t be disturbed. This practice is for your eyes only, so it’s important that you feel safe and secure to express yourself freely.
- Set a Timer: Typically, expressive writing exercises involve writing continuously for about 15 to 20 minutes. You don’t need to worry about spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. The goal is to let your thoughts flow freely.
- Write About a Traumatic or Stressful Event: Write about an event or experience that’s causing you emotional pain. Describe the event in detail and express your deepest thoughts and feelings about it. You might want to explore questions like: How has this event affected your life? How do you feel about it now? Has your perspective on the event changed over time?
- Reflect and Process: After writing, take a few moments to reflect. It’s normal to feel emotional during and after this exercise. Remember, the goal isn’t to feel better immediately but to begin the process of working through and making sense of your experiences.
- Repeat: This isn’t a one-time exercise. You can repeat this practice over several days or weeks, each time diving deeper into your thoughts and emotions or exploring different traumatic or stressful events.
Expressive writing is not a cure-all, and it’s not suitable for everyone. For some, writing about trauma may cause distress. In such cases, it would be helpful to seek the guidance of a mental health professional. Nonetheless, for many people, it can be a powerful tool in the journey of healing, growth, and transformation.
One powerful example of the therapeutic benefits of expressive writing comes from the diary of Anne Frank, a Jewish teenager who chronicled her experiences hiding from the Nazis during World War II. Though she was living under constant fear and hardship, her diary served as a coping mechanism, a friend, and a means of expressing her hopes and fears. While her circumstances were tragic, her writings have since inspired millions of people worldwide.
Final Note – seek help if dealing with intense suffering
Remember, it’s crucial to consult with a mental health professional when dealing with intense suffering or trauma. The strategies outlined here are not a substitute for professional help but can complement therapeutic interventions.