In “The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want”, Sonja Lyubomirsky gives us a practical guide on how to be happy. She’s a psychologist who has spent years studying what makes people happy. In her book, she tells us that our happiness isn’t just based on our genes or our circumstances. Instead, we have a lot of control over how happy we are. She gives a lot of practical tips and methods to help us increase our happiness. These are all backed up by science, so they’re not just nice ideas, they really work.
Throughout the book, Lyubomirsky talks about several important ideas, including the happiness set point, the happiness pie, and the power of intentional activities, or things we choose to do. She also shares many happiness-boosting strategies that we can use in our everyday lives.
As with all of our book summaries, if you find this helpful we do encourage you to buy the book.
Happiness Set Point
In “The How of Happiness,” Sonja Lyubomirsky explains that everyone has what she calls a “happiness set point.” Think of this set point like the temperature on a thermostat. Just like a thermostat controls the temperature in your house, your happiness set point controls how happy you usually are.
Now, this set point isn’t fixed forever. It’s more like a range or a baseline. So, if you’re a naturally cheerful person, your set point might be higher. If you’re a bit more serious or tend to worry a lot, your set point might be lower. But remember, it’s just a starting point.
So where does this set point come from? Lyubomirsky says that a lot of it is determined by our genes – the stuff we inherit from our parents. So, some people are born a bit happier, and some people are born a bit less happy.
But, and this is really important, our genes don’t control everything. They might give us a starting point, but we can change that starting point. Just like we can change the temperature on a thermostat, we can change our happiness set point.
How can we do that? That’s where the rest of Lyubomirsky’s book comes in. She shares a lot of ways that we can do things, make choices, and change our habits to make ourselves happier. So, even if you weren’t born a naturally happy person, you can still increase your happiness.
In summary, the happiness set point is like your happiness starting point. It’s partly decided by your genes, but it’s not the whole story. You have a lot of control over your happiness, and you can make changes in your life to boost your happiness above your natural set point.
The Happiness Pie
Lyubomirsky uses a pie as a metaphor to explain what makes up our happiness. Just like a pie is made of several slices, our happiness is made up of several parts.
So, what are these parts? According to Lyubomirsky, the pie has three main slices: our genes, our circumstances, and our actions and thoughts.
The biggest slice is our genes, which she says makes up about 50% of our happiness. This is similar to what we talked about with the “happiness set point.” Some of us are naturally more upbeat because of the genes we inherited from our parents.
Next is our life circumstances – stuff like our health, our job, our relationships, and our income. This makes up about 10% of our happiness. This might seem surprisingly small, but Lyubomirsky’s research shows that once our basic needs are met, having more money, a better job, or more stuff doesn’t really make us a lot happier.
The last slice, which makes up about 40% of our happiness, is the most exciting. This slice is all about the actions we take and the thoughts we have. This includes things like how we handle stress, the types of activities we do, and how we view ourselves and the world around us.
What’s really cool about this part of the pie is that it’s the part we have the most control over. We can’t pick our genes or control all of our life circumstances, but we can decide how we think and what we do. So, if we want to be happier, this is the slice of the pie we should focus on.
Lyubomirsky’s book is full of ideas and strategies for how we can do this. By making small changes in how we think and what we do every day, we can have a big impact on our happiness.
So to sum it up, the “Happiness Pie” is a way to think about the different parts that make up our happiness. Some parts, like our genes, we can’t change. Other parts, like our life circumstances, have a smaller impact on our happiness than we might think. But the part we can change – our actions and thoughts – that’s where we can really make a difference in our happiness.
The Power of Intentional Activities
In “The How of Happiness,” Lyubomirsky talks a lot about the importance of what she calls “intentional activities.” These are things we consciously choose to do because they make us happy.
Remember the “Happiness Pie” we talked about earlier? Well, intentional activities make up a big part of that last slice, the one that represents the actions we take and the thoughts we have. Lyubomirsky says that these intentional activities can really influence our happiness, way more than a lot of us might think.
Intentional activities can be pretty much anything we deliberately do for our wellbeing. These can be simple actions like going for a walk, reading a good book, or spending time with loved ones. Or they could be ways we choose to think, like focusing on the positive things in our life or practicing gratitude.
What’s important here is that these activities need to be things we consciously and willingly choose to do, not something we feel forced to do. Why? Because when we choose to do something, we feel more in control, and that can make us feel happier. Plus, the activity is more likely to match our own personal interests and values, which also boosts our happiness.
Lyubomirsky points out that the real power of intentional activities lies in their potential to bring about long-lasting change. It’s not about a one-time happiness boost, but about creating ongoing habits that increase our happiness over time.
Let’s say you decide to start a habit of taking a walk every day. At first, you might just feel a little bit happier. But as you keep up with it over time, that walk becomes a part of your routine, something you look forward to, and it keeps adding to your happiness.
So, the concept of “Intentional Activities” is all about choosing to do things that bring us joy, and creating habits out of these activities. It’s the idea that we can take control of a large portion of our own happiness by being intentional in our thoughts and actions.
Happiness-Boosting Strategies
In “The How of Happiness,” Lyubomirsky shares various strategies that we can use to boost our happiness. These are practical things that we can start doing right away to increase our happiness level. Here are some of the main ones:
Expressing Gratitude: This is about taking time to recognize and appreciate the good things in our life. We can do this by keeping a gratitude journal, or by simply taking a moment each day to think about what we’re thankful for. It’s a way of focusing on the positive rather than the negative.
Cultivating Optimism: This strategy involves trying to think more positively about our future. Instead of worrying about what might go wrong, we should imagine and plan for good things happening.
Avoiding Overthinking: Overthinking can often make us feel unhappy or stressed. This strategy is about learning to recognize when we’re overthinking and finding ways to break the cycle, like distracting ourselves with a different activity.
Practicing Acts of Kindness: Doing nice things for other people can make us feel good too. This could be as simple as helping a friend with something, volunteering, or just saying something nice to someone.
Nurturing Relationships: Spending time with people we care about and who care about us can really boost our happiness. This could mean making time for family and friends, or working on building new, positive relationships.
Learning to Forgive: Holding onto grudges can make us unhappy. This strategy involves learning to let go of anger and resentment towards others.
Increasing Flow Experiences: “Flow” is when we’re so absorbed in an activity that we lose track of time. This could happen while painting, playing a sport, or any other activity we love and where we feel engaged and competent.
Savoring Life’s Joys: This is about taking the time to really enjoy the good moments in life, whether that’s a beautiful sunset, a good meal, or a fun day out.
Committing to Your Goals: Having goals to work towards can give our life a sense of purpose and direction, which can increase our happiness. This could be anything from big life goals like a career change to smaller goals like finishing a book.
Practicing Religion and Spirituality: For those who are religious or spiritual, engaging in their beliefs or practices can be a source of comfort, community, and happiness.
Taking Care of Your Body: Physical health plays a big role in our happiness. This includes getting regular exercise, eating healthily, and getting enough sleep.
These strategies aren’t one-size-fits-all. We’re all different, so different things will make us happy. The key is to try different strategies and see what works best for you. The idea is to be proactive and intentional about boosting your happiness. It’s not always easy, but with practice, it can make a big difference.
Wrapping Up
In conclusion, “The How of Happiness” is a useful guide to being happier. By understanding and using the ideas Sonja Lyubomirsky shares, we can take control of our happiness and enjoy life more.
Don’t forget to check out our book “Unbroken: Navigating Life’s Highs and Lows with Resilience and Grit”.